Considering I have already touched upon the topics of bathroom mannerisms and hairstyle commentary, it would not be entirely out of place to now talk about something that perhaps also bears discussion: walking.
We all learn to walk at fairly young ages; basically as soon as our legs are able to handle the extra work as compared to crawling. All of our parents, as well as gravity, do quite a decent job at aiding in the process. We learn that falling down is never a particularly good idea when not on a nice, padded surface, but we never touch upon the finer details of walking such as the etiquette of it.
Etiquette? For walking? Yes, I am serious. And so, let me point out a few etiquette and non-etiquette-related walking habits:
-For Pete’s sake, look up when you walk! Yes, feel free to look at the ground every once in a while if you are on uneven terrain, but looking up will prevent you from running into walls and more importantly people. Now, while this used to only refer to the socially awkward people who wanted to avoid eye contact, this now also refers to those people who text while walking. Seriously, look up! I don’t care how important this text might be, if you collapse due to a person-person, person-tree, or person-holeintheground meet-up, that will cause a bit more trouble than your super important text being a tad bit late (seriously, if you have something important to say, chances are it should be done in a manner that involves talking or meeting in person anyway).
-Swinging your arms is good. Not swinging your arms is not. Swinging your arms too much, also is not. There, that’s really all you need to know. If you don’t swing your arms, you seem like a caveman who drags his dead-weight arms around due to a hard day of manual labor aka beating big animals with your big club. Also, swinging your arms when walking is good since you waste energy otherwise. But don’t swing too much. Really, if you are thrusting your arms back-and-forth, side-to-side, and every which way, you kind of defeat the purpose of arm-swinging and in addition, become an obstacle people have to avoid. Nobody needs to see a person walking like those trees from Lord of the Rings.
-Leave some space between you and the person in front of you. If you are driving a car, you are supposed to leave a good distance between you and the car in front of you in case of any sudden stoppages. Same thing should apply with walking. If somebody suddenly halts or gos slower, you (probably) don’t want to be slamming into their butt. I am sometimes guilty of walking too close to people, typically when in a rush. If only there were a way to make things more efficient….
-Now, for one people don’t really think about. What side of the road do you drive on? It’s right for most of the world. What side of the walkway do you walk on? Don’t know? I think to make it easier for every person in existence, we all need a universal side of the walkway to walk on. Now, it seems like it’s generally on the right here in the United States, but there are still those who fight the power. We make the world a better, easier place to walk, if everyone sticks to the right! No awkward collisions when turning corners! Efficient flow of people! Miracles people, miracles! Of course, there can be some walking on the left, but that should be used in the same way passing zones are used in roads. Think of the possibilities!
And so, as the masses go forth with this knowledge of walking correctly and efficiently, I highly expect tickets to be handed out to those who do not blindly follow these guidelines. The walking police are out to stomp out your strut and get your rear in gear so watch your ass before you pull your sass since they’ll ticket you good if you act so “hood” with your abusive walks that don’t adhere to my talks. Word.
suspiciously generic 