I hate vomit. And also throw-up. As well as barf. I’m about as impartial to all that as the act of spewing. Regurgitating is also not something I’m fond of, unless you’re a bird (in which case I applaud you on your ability to read and also shame you for wasting your talent on a blog such as mine). Let’s not even delve in the realm of heaving (particularly the dry variety).
Basically, I wish I could stop detecting the ejection of rejected digestion already.
And how on earth am I stepping running into puke on what I’m implying to be a somewhat regular basis? Aren’t I a Community Advisor(-er? -or? turns out they’re both right) at a prestigious research institution’s residence hall? Yes, that is true. But apparently another translation of that is “first-line janitor for all messy mishappenings outside of normal business hours. Which is when all the real shit goes down. Sucker.”
What I’m saying is that duty on Friday night all too often spells out clean-up duty way past a time of day most reasonable human beings go to bed. And/or on a Saturday afternoon, way earlier than any non-alcoholic should ever be consuming enough to get to the level of passing out (not that any time of day is appropriate for that).
Now, I’m not slamming college’s alcohol culture here. Except–wait, yes, I totally am. Nearly every weekend without fail is bound to include an alcohol-related incident for us CAs to deal with. Whether that’s “busting” a party that involves more screaming than an entire birthing ward or extracting an interesting half-digested macaroni & cheese pizza and burrito mix from a hallway carpet that is sure to reek of stomach acid for the remainder of the school year (and beyond if they don’t bother to replace the carpet, which probably should be legally mandated procedure with how disgusting I’m sure some of them will get).
I just don’t understand it and it all spurs so many questions in my mind. Where do you even get the alcohol? Do you all have connections to older people? Do you have fake IDs? Where do you even get a fake ID? What what would possess you to take the risk of not only acquiring the fake ID, but then taking the additional risk of every time you show it to the cashier? Are so many of you really so impatient to start drinking liquids that quite frankly taste horrible? If not, what kind of friends do you have that pressure you into going against what you believe? And why do you all come to a dorm of all places to get wasted? I guess it’s where many of you live, but that’s just adding to the risk of getting caught. Plus, dorm rooms are insanely small. Is it an excuse just to get close to one another? And last but not least: why the heck don’t you recycle your bottles? You just throw them in the bathroom trash can like some kind of environment hating monster!
But I digress, my real question should be: why can’t you make it to the bathroom? Do you really want the additional humiliation of throwing up in a hallway where everyone can see and smell what you did? The bathroom floor can be a surprisingly comforting place to wallow in a nauseous, drunken daze.
It’s not like people don’t have enough “time to make it.” You’ve been sick before. You know what it’s like right before you throw-up. Even if you can’t tell what end will do what, you know you have to make it to a bathroom either way. DJ Seuss said it best: “Go Dawg, Go!” (wait, is that right?)
If you really feel ready to burst, then take the less risky route of throwing up in a trash can. Every room in the dorm has one, so it’s not like there’s that excuse. And even if there’s no bag in it, it’s still better than getting it on the floor. You can just rinse out a can.
It’s Not. That. Hard. And if you can’t handle responsible vomiting, then maybe you should reconsider your ability to responsibly drink. Because you obviously can’t. If you can only go all out and black out, or drink nothing, then choose the latter you dumb-nut. Drinking to the point of passing out is asking for alcohol poisoning, and nobody wants that. Just drink enough to get buzzed. Being buzzed is seriously underrated. You get the benefits of feeling more socially loose, while not getting the negatives of letting your lunch loose.
Alright, I’m done with talking about that disgusting chunk. But I have something else to quickly talk about that also disgusts me: vomit of the verbal variety. I don’t think I have enough for a separate post so I’ll just try to jam it in here:
When you’re hanging out with people to socialize or to have fun or to eat, and you don’t have an interest/job/major in common, please, for the love of God, don’t jabber on about that interest/job/major. Unless your company who doesn’t have that in common asked about it, you’re just being rude by bringing it up. You’re excluding them and making yourself seem like a douche. Example:
Person 1: “Oh hi persons 2 and 3!”
Persons 2&3: “Hi person 1!”
P1: “So, today I have to study Jargon-Filled Subject Matter on Complicated Subject 1, do research on the effects of Useless Subject Matter regarding the socio-eco-poli-scientific effects of Somehow Even More Complicated Subject in regards to Extreme Paint Drying Subject, and then work all day at SATINE (Stupid Acronym That Is Never Explained).”
P2: “Oh yeah, I thought I had the socio-eco-poli-scientific effects of Somehow Even More Complicated Subject down pat, but then Professor Who Sounds Like He Belongs In Hogwarts talked to me about it, and I got a job working in liaison to SATINE and just worked it out more at AATINE (Another Acronym That Is Never Explained).”
P3: “I uh….how ’bout that cafeteria food, huh?”
I am usually P3. Excluded from the typically biology infused discussions that occur all around me with my coworkers. And it wouldn’t be a problem if this happened once in a while. I get that. You want to talk about what’s taking up your life right now with your friend(s) who can identify. But what about the other people in the group who don’t share that with you at all? You are consistently shutting out people from your conversation by discussing subjects that are too in-depth for me to discuss or even listen to and understand in any matter whatsoever.
Maybe I’m in the wrong here, but I feel like this is all just verbal puke all over me. You’re making me feel bad about myself because you’re putting your conversation above my level of understanding (about a subject matter in which I will never reach that level because it will never be of use to me in my life). Isn’t there any way to open up the conversation, at least a little bit? Or maybe, since this is usually during socializing/meal time, we could actually talk about something to get our mind off of work/school for a bit? I’m even willing to talk about sports if that’s all we have. Just please, loosen up a bit, be courteous of lesser mortals such as myself, and let’s just talk about a TV show or something. Or about how fun it is to clean up vomit. I know we at least have that in common.
P.S. I’m starting a new blog soon! One that’s decidedly more professional and less about pooping and dry-heaving. Now, I’m not abandoning this one (although it already kind of is most of the time). I’m just adding another blog to the mix that will focus more on things such as media and advertising. One that I could possibly even show employers? I’ll make a quick blog post here with a link once I have some actual material up.
suspiciously generic 