Scenario: You are in possession of hundreds of thousands of emails addresses. Your goal is to scam the owners of these addresses out of something valuable, say, access to their email account and thus every account that’s associated with it. Or it’s to get these email recipients to open a malicious attachment that will suck everything of value out of the user’s computer, either through total takeover or a simple keystroke monitoring program that will eventually acquire every account and password needed anyway. No matter the option, you are in the position to potentially make millions or billions of dollars if you can get into enough accounts. You need the perfect plan of action to capitalize on this before anyone from the various email clients like GMail and Yahoo! realize what’s happening and block all your emails from ever reaching their destinations.
Solution: Send emails to all acquired addresses and title them “Ass rimming the easy way.” Success! Your millions will be pouring in any day now.
Or, you know, not.
You’d think it would be incredibly easy to scam people on the internet. Just send an email with a subject line that looks like a regular email, with a contact name that looks like it’s from trustworthy business, and BAM, you’ve got your prey hooked.
And in defense of spam emailers (a phrase that has never existed until just now), it seems like they’ve been doing a better job lately. Most of my spam emails these days are astoundingly banal in their similarity to all my other emails. I mean, it’s still easy to tell they’re spam since they end up in my spam section and are usually from sites I don’t use, but they’ve just completely lost that special touch that used to make them so entertaining. They had a “so bad it’s good” thing going and it’s rare to see spam emails that have that special, terribly ineffective quality anymore. Sure, there are still those brave few who soldier on, continuing in their astoundingly unconvincing portrayals of genuine emails, but they are far and few between these days.
This blog post is in memoriam of the lost heyday of the amusing spam email. They are gone, but not forgotten, for I have preserved some of my favorite titles these past two-ish years in a Word document. But I noticed that the past year or so has only had one or two new entries (if that) so I figured now was that time to hold this service. Let’s jump right in:
Subject: “Increase your level of confident” – My confident, eh? Good thing my level of ignorant hasn’t been increased, or I might have fallen prey to the hands of the geniuses behind this one.
Subject: “Rock her hard on your first date” – Whoaah, slow down tiger! We’re going at it on our first date? Rock her? I barely know her!
Subject: “See the desire in her eyes” – Thank God I’ll finally be able to see the desire in her eyes. Before this everything was blurry without glasses on!
Subject: “Become a female mag sex fantasy” – How’d they know it was my lifelong dream to look like I popped off the cover of Playgirl? Will they also give me one of those clip-on bow tie things like the guys from Chippendales have?
Subject: “Make her pounce on you” – Pretty sure catnip could handle that fine…oh, you mean women! I…knew that.
Subject: “She will surely pounce on you” – Ooh, now they’re assuring me of it. They’re really serious about the pouncing effects of their…whatever it is they’re “selling.”
Subject: “This will change your life” – Well…that was surprisingly lacking in sexuality. Is this even for Viagra or anything, or are they offering me crippling debt? Because only one of those will really have a huge impact on my life…and only one will probably come from opening this email.
From: “Get BIGGER with Sample” Subject: “Jamie Lynn is a bigger slut than Britney” – I…what? OK, first off–why does the addressee sound like it should be the subject? Second–the connection between subject #1 and subject #2 is a next to nothing other than being sexual in nature. Like, what does taking a supplement to make a penis bigger have to do with the alleged slutitude levels of two celebrity sisters? Third–What is that email title supposed to make me feel? Am I supposed to be aroused? Are you proposing you have evidence for this in your email? Why not just go the standard route and be like “JAMIE LYNN NUDE PIXXxx!!” Were you too good for that?
Subject: “Make fantastic love to her” – This is actually almost decent. It doesn’t through a product in your face. It makes you wonder how. If you’re desperate, you might actually want to click the email to find out more. Congratulations on earning a D+. You’re almost not failing!
Subject: “Highly active girls craving for you” – Oh yeah, you know it. Just all these sexually promiscuous persons of the female variety just falling over themselves for me. 11/10, would believe again.
Subject: “Be in full control of ejaculation” – Yeah man, you obviously have no idea what you’re doing. We’ll whip you into shape and help you keep control of your wildly out of control ejaculations. Can’t have the “climax” before the “rising action,” if you know what I mean.
Subject: “Nothing beats a huge stick” – Oh, I guess we’re done talking about sex. Yeah, I suppose bigger sticks will generally win over smaller ones. You have longer reach so you can keep your distance. Just poke them with the tip if you–oh wait, yeah, this is still about sex. Just another “bigger is better” message. Nothing to see here, folks.
Subject: “Larger is stronger is better” – Aaaaand now they’re just literally saying it.
Subject: “Nice long hard one for you” – A long hard one? Just for me? Aww, thank you! ❤
Subject: “How to get her to suck” – Why would I want her to suck? Don’t I want her to be good? …what’s that? What do they mean by “suck”? Oh. Oh! (Ohhh myyy.)
Subject: “Butts that look awesome” – Butts. That look awesome. I think we have our winner. That’s it, we’re done. Everyone else, go home.
P.S. Just a PSA that my new blog is up and running. It only has one post so far, but I hope to update it more often than this one. It’s a bit more on the serious side than this blog (nothing about long hard ones or vomit), but it’s still kinda cool(ish). Check it out.
suspiciously generic 