Blackheads and Revelations

Think back to when you were a kid.

Take a moment and really picture what it was like.

What do you remember?

Looking up at the impossibly tall adults around you?

Playing make-believe outside with your friends?

Being born from your mother’s womb?

See, when we’re kid—WAIT what the hell??? How do you remember…? …I…I have so many questions. That’s just impossible isn’t it…? Um…but I digress…I guess. (I don’t know if I can move past this…)

Um.

So, alright. You’re a kid. What do you notice about yourself?

What? Your terrible sense of fashion? You know your mom probably picked out your–you know what, I’m just going to stop asking these rhetorical questions.

It’s your skin.

Yes, your skin! (that totally isn’t a weird thing to yell at a kid…OK, you’re an adult again, now. Unless you weren’t one to begin with. Then you’re whatever you were before.)

 

When you’re a kid, your skin is still that stupidly perfect baby skin that you had since you were born. I mean, I think there’s even a term for it. Literally it’s “baby soft skin.” It’s ridiculous. There’s a whole market out there just to make your wrinkly, flaky adult skin be like it was when it was fresh out of the box. It’s a racket.

Wait, where was I going with this? *looks back at the title* Oh yeah! Pimples.

Pimples suck. You get all red. And lumpy. And you know it’s coming. But you can’t stop it. Once a pimple zeroes in on that perfect spot on your face, there’s no stopping it. Let’s just add pimples to the list of shitty, inevitable things that happen in life alongside taxes and death, shall we?

It’s like once you become a teenager, you don’t just start to rebel. Your skin starts to rebel against you, too. If you’re lucky, this is just for a few unfortunate years in middle and/or high school. If you’re unlucky, it extends into college. And if you’re part of the unfortunate few who are a visual blemish on society like me, you’re plagued by pimples well into adulthood.

So what’s a person to do? Well, I have a simple three-step plan, right here to solve all your woes:

1. Give up
2. ???
3. The inevitability of death and/or taxes

And we’re done!

Oh…did you actually want a plan to help with your freakishly ugly skin you poor, unfortunate sack of pus and bacteria? Well, you’ve come to the right place.

But it’s not a three step plan. It’s more like a boring list of things that may or may not slightly help you in your glorious path to a barely-passing-for-mediocre face.

But hey–it’s something!

And now, in no particular order:

(Note: None of the following is backed up by any cited science. It’s all either anecdotal or based off of half-remembered research I read one time years ago. This is a comedy/complaint blog for crying out loud, go verify my shit on your own if you’re a skeptic.)

And now, for real:

1. Stop sleeping on a dirty-ass pillow you filthy animal. Do you ever catch a reflection of yourself in the oily reflection of yourself in the mirror? AKA, are you oily enough to fry a vat of potatoes?

   

   Yeah…that all ends up on your pillowcase at the end of the day. Even if you wash your face beforehand, you’ll just keep on making oil at night. And if you sleep on that oiled up pillow multiple nights in a row, you’re just rubbing more oil all over yourself, giving your body plenty of fuel with which to make pimples. Pimplicious. The lesson here? Change your pillowcase often. I usually sleep on one side for two nights in a row, flip the pillow, use that side for two nights, and then swap out for a new case. You should also try to change your other bed sheets on a regular basis, if you can.

2. Give your face a special towel all for itself, because it’s spoiled like that. Your face deserves its own towel. Hand towels are for hands. Bath towels are for your body. Washcloths are for your face. Simple as that. This way the junk from the rest of your body won’t spoil the perfection that will one day be (but is certainly not today) your face. Plus, I’d rather not smell my butt when I clean my face.

   

3. Hey Blurryface, stop stressing out. Stress is an ugly beast. And it makes you ugly, too. Like, literally. Stress makes your skin all inflamed and gross and, well, pimply. I don’t know how long it takes to have an effect on your skin. In fact, I think if you’re stressed, but still pushing yourself by using adrenaline, your skin stays perfectly fine. But the moment things start to settle and you can dwell a bit on the stress, you’re gonna have a bad time. Because your skin is a traitorous bastard who can’t give you a break when you’re already down.
4. Run Forrest, run! Alternatively: Go Dog, Go! I’m saying that you should go for a run. Or do something physically active. Yeah, yeah. You’re lazy. Or tired. Or just plain ol’ fat. But I swear, as bad as exercising can be when you first start, its benefits are so worth it. It can be subtle sometimes, but working out is a great stress release (see above) and in addition to all the other good stuff that comes with getting in shape, you’ll also theoretically notice your face clearing up. Maybe it’s just the stress release/mood improvement thing or just the fact that I shower more often if I regularly exercise, but it seems to work on some level.
5. Go the fuck to sleep. Right now. I’ll wait 7-9 hours. … OK, you didn’t have to do that. But I appreciate your dedication if you followed through!

   

   But yeah, sleeping is good for you. Who knew that thing our body makes us do for a third of our lives is actually super important and stuff? In addition to helping with mental crap, sleeping also lets your body rejuvenate or replenish itself or whatever you want to call it. Basically, you need to give your body a chance to stop taking care of everything else it does during the day and let it just take a moment to, y’know, really just focus on itself and become a better person for it. Then, it’ll be ready to put itself back out there in the dating world! Wait, what were we talking about?

6. Pamper the shit of your skin. If you’re a guy, owning “beauty products” might make you feel insecure about your masculinity. If that’s the case, I think you have more than your pimply face to worry about, but that’s besides the point. Basically, don’t be afraid to buy a few products that can actually help your skin. It’s like if you were worried about how embarrassing your ripped pants were, and you just kept wearing them instead of, y’know, buying new pants.

   

   I don’t know if there’s a right answer for everyone, but I know I bounced between products for years before finding ones I’m mostly happy with. So I’ll just tell you what I do: I try to wash my face every night with this anti-acne redness soap that has aloe vera in it. ‘Allo vera, good-bye redness. NEW ADVERTISING TAGLINE, I CALL IT. Another great anti-redness product is witch hazel, this concoction made from the bark and leaves of some shrub.

   

   Just sploosh it on some cotton stuff, splotch it on your face and then sp…spuh….uh, throw away the cotton thing when you’re done. I also use a benzoyl peroxide acne cream after those things, but it’s gentler than most other kinds somehow. Usually these things just tear apart my skin and make me into a shedding reptilian beast, but the Paula’s Choice (#sellout) one I use doesn’t seem to do that. I’m too lazy to find out why it works better than other kinds, but that’s my personal experience.

7. Stop touching yourself. Seriously, it’s disgusting. Get your hands away from there. And by “there,” I mean your face. …what did you think I meant? But yeah, I’m going to end this list here, because this is probably the number one most important tip to remember. I always make the mistake of touching my face during the day and pay dearly for it afterward. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK IF I CAN’T STROKE MY CHIN WISTFULLY?

   

   It’s a struggle. Although it’s easier in the winter when you can just have a sleeve cover the oily mess that is your hands. But yeah, putting your hands on your face is basically like taking a lint roller to the world and then picking off all the bits and sticking it on your face. It seriously might as well be because this is always the death of my beautiful face.

8. Got milk? Get out. Sorry, I lied. I forgot one. Dairy. Yeah yeah, “b-but, science says pizza face doesn’t exist.” Get the fuck out of here. That was about debunking the grease thing. Greasy food doesn’t cause acne. But the cheese on that pizza sure as hell does. At least it seems to for me. I swear there’s a direct correlation to when I consume dairy products and when I get acne. Pretty sure I even read once that dairy doesn’t necessarily cause acne, but it does make your face more oily and aggravates existing acne or something. Makes sense to me. I swear I literally break out the second I take a bite of Pizza Hut pizza (and only Pizza Hut for some reason…I should do an experiment one day…).

   

   Oh, and also look up stuff about the glycemic index because I’m pretty sure wolfing down on stuff like white bread or candy on an empty stomach also causes breakouts.

So, that was basically everything I wish I had known like 10 years ago. And hopefully this helps at least one other person out there. Um. Sorry for the weird intro if you just stumbled on this site from elsewhere and don’t know me in real life. I hope you and your horribly disfigured face find some solace in these words. I sure as hell could have used them.