Awwwwwwkwaaaaaard

I can be an awkward guy.  At least, I think so.  I mean, I’ve never really sat down and had a real conversation with myself.  That would be far too personal.  I’d rather start with some group situations where I get to know myself better and not have to be so confrontational right away.   I need to get to know me before I can really talk to myself in such a one-on-one, close quarters manner.

But it’s so hard, you know?  I mean, I never go and start a conversation off on something interesting to talk about, so here I am left with nothing to say to me.  Jeez, if I knew  myself better and if myself knew me better this wouldn’t be so hard.

Alright, enough with the backwards talk and on with the point: I suck at having conversations, particularly with people I don’t know too well.  Pour ay-hem-play…

The other day I went to lunch at the dining hall expecting to see someone who I thought should have been there at that time, but wasn’t really.  So, I sat (semi-)with someone else I (kinda) know.  Luckily she said “hi” to me first, which is a good thing because that means she is essentially accepting my action of sitting nearby and that she does know who I am to some extent.  …or it’s a bad thing, and her “hi” is more of a “by now, you should have said ‘hi’ so instead I’m going to say ‘hi’ to get it through to you that you should probably be giving a welcome yourself since you are in a way intruding in my space,” which sucks.

So, we after a bit of silence there is the typical exchange of one or two questions along the lines of “how was your day?” and “what are you classes like?” and then again silence.  Eating and silence.

And then sits down another girl who I also kinda know, but not really know (truthfully, I can’t even remember her name at the moment).  She asks how I am and then silence.  Again.  Only with three people.  And the two girls don’t know each other.  How nice.  How awkward.

At last comes a guy I actually am (actual) friends with and he helps liven up the conversation a bit with me and the first girl, but not the second girl and not all that much in general.  So, time goes on a bit with chewing and crunching and pretty much all but talking.  A girl comes to talk to girl #2 and conversation seems to spring up with me and the guy.  Girl #2 says she’s going to get more food and leaves and girl #1 just up and leaves without a word or acknowledgement of leaving.  Girl #2 moves to another table and lunch is effectively done.

Just the average lunch for me…or day…or life.

But really, no, it’s usually not this quiet and awkward daily.  Usually, I’m just at lively tables where I’m either pretty quiet or just saying things that never seem to be very beneficial conversation-wise.

UNLESS

I am in the perfection that is “the-holy-trinity-of-conversation-awesomeness.”  That holy trinity would be where there is me and two other people of which we are all good friends and have plenty of stuff and common and thus things to talk about.  This is where my greatest friendships and just conversations have happened.  Trios are my conversation forte where I am best able to talk.  Enough for two people to generate conversation content and me to come up with rebuttals or side notes or jokes.  Or, for me to be one of the two conversation generators, etc.  It’s amazing, it really is, and it feels just so great when it happens.  Anything less than three is awkward and anything more is just a lot of noise that I drown in (er…I guess water then since it’s hard to drown in noise…..noisy water, I guess).

I suppose that’s enough for now.  If I want to talk about every little intricate detail of my relations with people, that would require hundreds of posts….or maybe none since it would be about how I can’t relate with people.  HA! IT’S FUNNY, ‘CUZ IT’S TRUE! sob oh, so true….